A Spam Epiphany

Oh, dear Lord! I've finally figured it out! My Spam folder is in fact the cyberspace equivalent of a group home for the obscenely greedy and the hopelessly insane. How else can one possibly explain the huge piles of infuriating blather deposited in my Spam folder every day? The pure idiocy of the opening words of these messages, quoted below--as always, exactly as received--prove it beyond any doubt. It is a source of endless frustration to me to acknowledge that I am utterly incapable of simply ignoring them without some sort of response.

"Forgot about his mistress? - Good day, I accidentally found a letter from you, I remember how we communicated with..." (Oh, right. You're that homeless guy with the pet rat who's been rummaging through my garbage. I really must get a paper shredder.)

(unknown sender): "You can trust us your health, we know how to improve it." (Well of course I can trust you my health. I always have total trust in anyone who isn't even willing to identify themselves. See that donut over there? Why don't you go take a flying.....well, never mind.)

"You could make 24,000 dollar in 24 hours" (Of course I could. I could do in five minutes were it not for those pesky surveillance cameras and those irritating laws about bank robbery.)

"boiled and cut fine. The force-meat must be used sparing! He egg and oil you have already mixed, in place of...." (Right. And you can bet I'm going to be eager to lift the toilet seat to see the rest of your message.)

"You gf hot pics - for carnal victories" ("Carnal victories?" What in the HELL are you talking about? Never mind...I really, really don't want to know.)

Galipeau "t, the Popes were th - Ndations on which his scheme rested. For law substitute Christianity, for social union spiritual....." (Aren't you running for Congress?)

"What's your coming time? Get stiff tonight...." (I can't give you a coming time without knowing where I'm going. And if I have to get drunk, I'll probably be late anyway.)

"FROM THE DESK OF MR.FRANCIS ALIU Director Auditing and Accounting Department Bank of Africa...." (Uh-huh.)

"You're Hired! Make $250+ a Day" (And all I have to do to "get started" is to sign a contract full of the world's smallest type committing me to buy $1,000 of your worthless product per month and that I will have to pay all costs involved in selling the crap? Wow! Sign me up!)

"Your gf caught on camera!" (Gee, if I had a gf, maybe I might give a crap....Oh, wait. No, I wouldn't.)

"You Have Been Chose to Receive 2 jetBlue Airways Tickets Survey!" (I'm so happy to have been chose! Do they fly to English speaking countries? And exactly what is a"2 jetBlueAirways Tickets Survey"?)

"Change your soft destiny-If you're excited by this girl and your male schlong is still downwards, you need this...." (Oh, dear Lord, there is so much wrong with this picture I don't know where to begin. 1. What is a "soft destiny", exactly? 2. By what stupefying gall do you dare to assume I would be excited by a "girl"? 3. My "male schlong?" Is there a "female schlong"?)

Enough for now! I grow faint (and nauseous). I was raised to believe that all men are created equal and that no human being is superior to any other. But messages like the above give me serious pause. I again wish I could say that I will never again compile such a list. But we both know I'd be wrong.

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