Spam and Altruism

It occurred to me this morning, as I set about deleting the 14,986 spam messages which had appeared miraculously overnight on my computer, that perhaps I have, as I so often find myself, been too judgemental of those dedicated men and women who care enough about me as an individual to contact me with such wondrous offers. As the Bible says, "Judge not, lest you be judged."

I never actually read any of these messages, realizing full well that each is a Pandora's box, and to even acknowledge receipt of a single spam message is to set yourself up to receive 80,000 more. But much can be learned by merely reading the few introductory words that appear on the screen.

So let us take a brief look, with a totally open mind, at just a very very small random sampling of today's offers, and consider the opportunities we may be passing by.

I've noticed that the offers seem to come in clusters. Today there were a large number alerting me to the fact that my future may lie in law enforcement; specifically in crime scene investigation. "Crime Scene Investigators wanted..." was the subject line of at least half a dozen messages, all from different people, but all with the totally altruistic goal of helping me find my true place in life. Of course I'm sure they all know that the fact that I find George Eads, an actor on the popular TV show, C.S.I., very attractive may have been a factor. Maybe if I took them up on their offer, whatever it was, they might guarantee me a chance to spend some time with him in our professional capacities.

I was also offered "Easy Work - Great Pay" in a Rebate Processor Position. Apparently there is a great shortage of workers in this field, since the note said "We need your help now!" How could I refuse such a heartfelt plea. Maybe later. Or I could "start a new career in medical billing."

My dear friend Michael Vincent (we went to different schools together) informs me that "I have found you a new job!" but, being the ever-coy, he wants me to open his post to find out what job it may be. While I am dying of curiosity, I resisted the temptation.

And speaking of dying, a number of messages addressed the matter of my health, and I am touched by their concern. "A. Reginato," for example, tells me she/he "stopped wasting my time and money when I visited Canadian Hea..." (the message dropped off, and so did I). Someone named "me" (I don't recall sending this to myself, but one never knows) says: "Hello. We have the widest selection of antibiotics....." Wonderful to know. I'll file that away for next time have jungle rot.

I must admit I occasionally question whether some of these people really want to be my friend, or if they are just sugar-coating insults in friendly, casual manner. Coleen Arturo begins her message "Hi there!" to make me think she's my pal. However, she then goes on to promote "The largest variety of products for patients with infectious diseases...." What are you trying to tell me, Coleen? And "Luwj" has the downright bald audacity to impune my masculinity. ("Once you're a man again, nothing is impossible." Well, Luwj, I'll have you know I've never stopped being a man and I resent your implication.)

Some of these well-intentioned offers paint vivid mental pictures I don't particularly want or need painted. "Cleanse and Flush Pounds from Your Colon." Uh, thanks, but I'll pass. I'll also skip dinner.

Christopher Maher was somewhat off base, too, in offering me "Free foot fetish movies." Obviously he had heard of my experience in Los Angeles with a young man who derived his pleasure from my tennis shoes. (I know, I found it oddly gross, too. But who am I to pass judgement?)

Well, I know what I should do. I should take up Belkie Latia's offer to "Buy a College Diploma, Get a 100% legal, verifiable Degree". I'll buy a law degree and sue the ass off Luwj. "Once you're a man again", indeed!

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