Oil and Water, Yin and Yang

Wordsworth was right: the world is too much with us—at least, it is for me. I am constantly amazed at how we humans can possibly find our way through the endless labyrinth/rat's maze/ant farm/quicksand bog/lion's den of life. That we do it, and that very few people either think about or realize it, only adds to my amazement.

Once again using myself as an example only because I can't presume to use you—though I would be most curious to know how much of me you can find in yourself.

I have always found myself to be a classic study in managed dysfunction. Nearly every facet of my life is a counterbalance. What part of me is not water is oil. On the one hand, for example, I am harshly, unrelentingly self-critical, absolutely convinced of my total ineptitude and my inferiority on just about every level; yet at the same time I am incredibly, unrealistically egotistical in assuming myself superior to a large segment of the human race. I think of myself as kind and caring, yet I frequently lash out (often disproportionately so) when I feel I've been crossed.

I hate imposing myself on others, yet I am constantly asking/expecting friends to do for me things which I could undoubtedly do myself were I not so damned lazy. My philosophy of “if at first you don't succeed, give up” is not conducive to growth and advancement.

I am a confirmed Agnostic (I always capitalize “Agnostic,” thereby giving it the status of an organized religion) who would really like to believe in a God with two arms and two legs and a long white beard, and in angels and heaven, yet I simply cannot. And yet an agnostic is, by definition, a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

I could never be a door-to-door salesman or, were I not an Agnostic, a Mormon or a Jehovah's Witness. I've worked in retail stores in the past without problem. I can sell things, as long it is you who approaches me wanting to buy something. For me to approach you and ask you to buy something from me would be excruciatingly embarrassing. And yet I spend an inordinate amount of time on social media trying to sell you on reading my books! I justify that dichotomy by thinking of myself as a third-person proselytizer, really fairly good at convincing others to do something without direct face-to-face contact.

I give excellent advice, yet am very poor at taking it. I can see your problems far more clearly than I can see my own.

I live in the world of reality, yet reject or ignore it whenever possible.

I am a homosexual in a heterosexual world. I don't want to fit in with it, and yet feel hurt when I'm rejected for being “different.”

I have a young heart and mind, but live in an ever-older and weaker body.

That I have used the word “I” thirty-two times thus far in this blog speaks clearly to my conflict between feelings of inferiority and superiority.

My life is—as I am sure is yours—indeed, a balance of an infinite number of things in different degrees which fluctuate from moment to moment, like a very fluid yin of oil and yang of water which, no matter how much they are shaken, always return to being oil and water, yin and yang.

Heavy stuff, huh?

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to visit his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1).