Friday, June 08, 2012

Dear Undisclosed Recipient

From: Barrister Sir Charles M'beebwee, Esq.
Director, International Academy of Spam
666 Turnip Truck Lane
Lagos, Nigeria

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for expressing your interest in enrolling in the prestigious International Academy of Spam (IAS). You have taken the first step to bringing joy and untold wealth to countless clients while attaining riches beyond your wildest dreams!

IAS is founded upon the highest principles of altruism, truth, honesty, integrity, and profit. As proof, we proudly point to our distinguished Board of Directors, which includes Hillary Clinton, the Director of the FBI, Charles the First of Spain, and the widows of the Nigerian Deputy of Finance and Mohamar Kadaffi's third wife, to name only a few. As a student of AIS you will be welcome--nay, encouraged--to freely use their names in your philanthropic efforts.

Internet spam, as you know, is a revolutionary new concept, and your prospective clients are unlikely to have ever encountered it before, which virtually assures that they will therefore receive your message with enthusiasm and eagerness to respond to your proposals

You may wonder why we utilize the name of a foodstuff in our title. Simple: spam is a nourishing product beloved by millions around the world. Just seeing the word “spam” elicits feelings of pleasure and comfort—exactly what AIS offers.

The universal desire for money provided without obligation by generous governments and corporations around the world makes your job infinitely easier, and your sincere efforts to pass this largesse on to your clients. Many people lead such dull lives that the thought of a bit of “danger” appeals to them, which is why suggesting, for example, that the money you are offering was obtained illegally (which of course in fact it was not), is an irresistible inducement. The earnest money required before the funds can be released...from which your own commission will be deducted...merely assures that your client is serious about receiving something for nothing. It is true that you may encounter an occasional spoilsports and negative thinker who might ask why they, out of 9 billion people on earth, are being offered money from someone they've never heard of. Pay them no heed. If they do not appreciate your generosity, they do not deserve it.

As an example of what you will learn while at IAS, we include herewith a free introductory lesson: Enthralling Opening Words. Science has proven the importance of drawing the prospective client in with the first sentence. Here are several approaches and examples of guaranteed approaches:

The Grabber: CONGRATULATIONS! You have won....

The Casual Warmth: My dear friend

The Precautionary Alert: ATTN: From Federal Bureau of Investigation

The Sincerely Religious: Dear Child of God: Calvary Greetings in the name of the LORD Almighty and Our LORD JESUS CHRIST the giver of every good thing.

The Heartstring-Plucker: Please help me. I need your assistant. (Proper English is secondary to sincerity.)

The Pity Inducer: I am Mrs. Rosella Johnson, a dying woman. I am diagnosed for cancer...

The Wake-up Call: Your account is on the verge of being banned!

The Obtuse: Did you authorize change of account?

The Curiosity Piquer: Contact the Director Your ATM

The Table-turner: Can I trust you?

As soon as we receive your enrollment fee (a mere $185), your first full lesson will be in the mal, and you will be on your way to wealth and fame.

Sincerely yours,

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to check out his website ( and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs ( ).

1 comment:

Kage Alan said...

Spammers can smell your location 2 continents away, can't they?