The Septic Tank

I know you must have been wondering when I would devote another blog to the wonderful world of internet spam. Well, wait no longer. I must admit that I have been rather concerned of late by the slight reduction in the volume of the spam gushing like a backed-up sewer into my in-box, but am sure the perpetrators of this effluvia are merely stepping back for a moment to regroup.

My obsession with internet spam remains intact, as does the stunned disbelief it consistently engenders. That anyone, anywhere, at any time can possibly believe a single word of this egregious nonsense is a far greater mystery to me than the origins of the universe. It does, however, reinforce the confirmed cynics among us who claim that humans can be a nasty and predatory lot--a belief that is constantly reinforced by those who resort to spam as a means to take advantage of the weak and gullible through deceit and lies.

But I digress (surprise!). Here, once again, are a few more examples, scraped off the bottom of the internet's shoes and presented exactly as they were received--and my Pavlov's-dog responses.

"BetterEjacu1ation control, Experience Rock-HardErections on yourPenis..." (As, I assume, opposed to Rock-HardErections on your earlobes?)

"Svetlana 18y.o, I am on-line now, let's chat? -My best wishes to you! I am Sventlana 18y.o I am looking for a man to have a...." (Why, Svetlana, you saucy little vixen, you! How could I resist responding? But I'll manage, somehow.)

Administrator, Olga - "Svetlana 22y.o, I am on-line now, let's chat? -My best wishes to you! I am Sventlana 22y.o I am looking for a man to have a...." (Uh, apparently being on line so much has aged you rapidly, you poor child. But I'm sure you are still the same, sweet, innocent charmer you were when you were 18 about three minutes ago.)

"This will help you 100$ - 100$ is the penis is like a porn star! http://endclaim.ru" (And a rose is like a like a rose is like a rose. I see this was sent from Romania. I wonder if you might consider enrolling in an "English as a 14th Language" course.)

Capt scott j wright - "i have a Business proposal for you. Please revert back..." (Why sure, Capt. I'll be happy to revert back. I'm always eager to invest my money with someone who can't tell the difference between capital and lower case letters. And I'd be proud to serve under your command.)

jennifer andrew - "hello - Greetings. I came here to look for my second half, my soulmate,my friend." (Oh, my dear jennifer, have you come to the wrong place!)

"PLEASE YOU HAVE ADVISED TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL..." (Oh, sure...it'll be a secret just between you, me, and the 47,000,000 other people you sent it to.)

I suppose it is only natural, given the volume of spam pumped out each day, that occasionally, and I'm sure quite coincidentally, several vaguely similar messages may find their way into your computer's septic tank. Sort of like the theory that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with typewriter, eventually they would write every great book in the world. So here are two of these strangely coincidental posts:

"Your mail ID Have Been Awarded $1,000,000,000.00..." (It have? One billion dollars? By whom? Based on what? Why?)

"MICROSOFT PROMOTION. CONGRAT - This is to inform you that you have won $1000000.00 dollars in Microssoft Online Promotion...." (A paltry million dollars? Pikers! But I'll take it. But first, may I humbly point out that when you put a $ in front of an amount of money, most people understand you're talking about dollars. But then I am forgetting the IQ level of your targeted audience. Secondly, is it "Microsoft" or "Microssoft"? It would be nice if you learned to spell the name of the company you're supposedly representing. Someone not in a coma and on life support might suspect you are not completely legitimate.)

Sigh.

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. Your comments are always welcome. And you're invited to stop by my website at http://www.doriengrey.com, or drop me a note at doriengrey@gmail.com.