"Me" Who?

Ah, yes, a question pondered by the great philosophers throughout history: "Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?" (Okay, so that's three questions, but let's not nit-pick.) I don't generally pay much attention to the latter two, but I do find the first one intriguing. The answer is that I am, as are all of us, a great many things. Some of the things are complementary, some contradictory--, sometimes simultaneously.

While I can speak only for myself, I might venture to guess that most people--you, for example?--are like me in having more contradictory components than complementary.

Ever since I saw God as at about the age of 7 (I know, it's a long story...) I've been utterly convinced I was "special"...I gather that belief is shared by most children. But most are gradually dissuaded of that notion by reality. Some of us, though, cling tenaciously to it. In my case, as an adult I remain a little boy in a too-rapidly-aging man's body. I am a sponge for attention and praise yet, like the dog chasing a car, don't really what to do with it know how to respond to it if I get it, and react with genuine embarrassment. I am amazingly egocentric on the one hand, and monumentally insecure on the other.

I consider myself somehow less than other people while feeling superior to them.

Without question, one of the largest components of who I am is my homosexuality. It has shaped and colored every aspect of my life and subsequently is at the very foundation of who I am. Having been, in my formative years, surrounded and bombarded by society's smug insistence that I and those like me were outcasts, pariahs, not deserving of any right society wished to withhold from us, I developed a rather strong case of heterophobia.

Since my earliest years, I have vehemently rejected society's firm declarations that gay men were less than men--I have never for one instant questioned that I am a male, but because I cling so tightly to childhood, I have to admit I've honestly never considered myself a "Man" in the terms of being an adult male. Emotionally, I am not, and never have been. I frankly find the thought frightening, for to me to become an adult means giving up all elements...including the wonders...of childhood.

In my college years through my early 30s it was common for gays to jokingly refer to one another as "she" or "Mary" or "sister." I did not consider it a joke. I would never use those words, and would not allow them to be used (in my presence) about me. I have never identified in any way with being feminine, just as I cannot identify with most heterosexual males I do not know personally. Our society's insistence upon all males conforming to certain totally arbitrary standards of "masculinity" is both incomprehensible and mildly nauseating. I have often said--and you may want to skip to the next paragraph right now if your are of a delicate nature--that our culture sadly measures a "real man" not by his knowledge or his nobility or self-sacrifice or honor or concern for others or for any other quality other than how frequently and how deeply his penis can penetrate a vagina. (And yet another example of my contradictions. Part of me is shocked that I would have actually written that last sentence. But of course another part of me went ahead and wrote it anyway.)

I like to think of myself as a good person, kind and considerate of others. That's how I want to be considered by others. Yet too often I am inconsiderate, thoughtless and insensitive. I hate boors and braggarts, yet I have the ability, when looking into the eyes of someone to whom I think I'm being totally charming, to see those eyes either glaze over or roll furtively skyward, hoping I'll just shut up and go away.

Well, having momentarily run out of things to say, maybe I should do just that.

Oh, and if you can ever answer the question of who you are, could you drop me a line and let me know?

NNew entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. Your comments are always welcome. And you're invited to stop by my website at http://www.doriengrey.com, or drop me a note at doriengrey@gmail.com.