Monday, November 02, 2009

Oh, Spam!

I don't want to look. Really, I don't. But every now and then something that is not spam ends up in my spam folder, necessitating an always-intended-to-be quick scan of the effluvia contained therein to be sure I'm not throwing away something I shouldn't. And try though I might, I cannot resist knee-jerk responding to the come-on phrases intended to get suckers to open the message (the equivalent of unwrapping a soiled baby diaper).

So here, yet again, are a few noble examples of the spammer's art, and my reaction to them.

"Re: sending you what you wanted" (Since there was neither a check nor a copy of your suicide note, you didn't.)

"Millionaire wants you to cash in!" (No, millionaire wants to make more money...from anyone stupid enough to open the message.)

"A miracle took place" (Oh? You mean someone actually did open your message?)

"I made a blog." (Good for you! Now if we can just get you potty-trained....)

"She loves it when I go this much deeper, she gets overwhelmed by her orgasm...." (Oh please, please TRY to imagine how little I care!)

"Just read your letter." (Suuuure you did. But I have no intention of reading yours.)

"My fingers fidget like ten idle brats..." (While mine race to find the "delete" key.)

"Vitaminize your desire! Recipe of hotter lust" (Yessirreee, I'm always looking for new ways to vitaminze my desire. Does the recipe include Tabasco sauce and jalepenos?)

ncortes: "Sea-gull - mevo. -- In 1560 mendoza was abruptly ordered by king philip ii. Hello, I am Allegra Henstridge...." (Whoa! I'm getting whiplash, here! What are you talking about? You're Alegra Henstridge? Then who the hell is "ncortes"? Who's mendoza? What's he got to do with King Philip II? Philip ordered Mendoza to do what? And you...whoever you are...actually expect anyone in their right mind to buy something from you? Good luck with that one, Charlie...or ncortes, or Alegra, or mendoza, or philip, or....Sigh. I think I'll go lie down for a bit.)

"Get an omnipotent porksword!" (What a lovely, lovely mental picture you conjure up. Please, let me have a dozen of whatever it is you're selling, you silver-tongued rascal, you.)

Flossie Cortez - "女性からのお願いを聞いてもらえませんか?" (Oh, Flossie! You're such a card! Of course 願いを聞いてもらえませんか!)

"Did you call me?" (Take a wild guess.)

"What does Bessie say I've done?" (Other than bug the crap out of me? I neither know nor care.)

"Cheap Fashion Accessories." (Ah, yes....sweets to the sweet, I always say.)

"Afraid of being caught sleeping?" (Uh, not between 10:30 p.m. and 6 a.m., no.)

"Did you suffer a Gallbladder injury while using Birth Control?" (My God! However did you know?)

"Get ready to tough day." (Ok, as soon as I figure out how "to tough day" became a verb.)

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. Your comments are always welcome. And you're invited to stop by my website at, or drop me a note at

No comments: