The Book of Spam, Chapter X

Trying to stop spam is like trying to empty Lake Michigan with a teaspoon. And no matter how hard I try not to look at it, I can't resist, and the Pavlov's Dog syndrome kicks in once again. So here is yet another installment of the Spam Chronicles. Every word within the quotation marks is exactly how I received it. Within the parentheses, yet again, my knee-jerk responses.

"It's okay to shop for a bathing suit." (Oh, thank you for giving me permission!)

"Show her who the REAL man is!" (Um, okay. See that blond over there by the wall?)

"Hate me, but read." (I do. I won't.)

"Prove her you are an outstanding guy." (How dare you assume I'm heterosexual??)

"Account Blocked. Confirm identity." (You mean like my SS#, my credit card and bank account numbers? Riiiiiiiight! Comin' right up! Take a deeeep breath and hold it.)

"I NEED YOUR URGENT REPLY!" (AND I NEED YOU TO LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!)

"She will grin from ear to ear when she sees the new length!" (Ah, hemlines are going down this year?)

"Service's temporary unavailable." (And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Can't you slime-oozers even learn how to speak/spell properly?)

"You don't know shit!" (Maybe not, but I recognize it when I see it...which is why I don't open spam messages.)

"Story about Bush's armpits." (Oh, dear Lord!)

"Hey! Wanna bet?" (Hey! Wanna guess the answer?)

"Even children know that blue pilules are effective for male function improving." (Well, of course they do, silly. They're required to write an essay on "What does Daddy do when he can't get it up?")

Margery: "Hello--oiled sonsy python scum! burgee gaudy salvor...." (You nailed it with "scum," Margery.)

"Find your preety classmate." (You mean my reely preety classmate?)

"Open the door for me -- Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo." ("Take a hike," said the Barfy-Warfy-Poo.)

"Excelent your WIN! - You will understand all the advantages this potion gives to a man after just one try." (What in the HELL are you talking about? What language do you speak? Surely not English.)

"Something for purchase." (Wait a minute! You mean, you're trying to sell something? Good Lord, Stop the Presses! Astounding!)

"Address's wrong." (If you mean my address, then how come I got it? And if you mean your address, try to imagine how little I care.)

"For taking a few moments to complete three surveys I made almost $100." (You did? Wow! And I'm sure you're telling me this just out of the goodness of your heart, with absolutely not intention of trying to scam me out of something! You're a saint! I still won't open your email, but you're a saint.)

Sigh. Next chapter, same verse.

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