Spam Marches On!

Let's face it: some people are addicted to drugs, some to alcohol. I'm addicted to the opening words of messages in my Spam bin. I simply cannot resist my knee-jerk responses. Here is yet another sampling of the 24,000 or so most recently received slices of spam and my Pavlov's Dogs responses.

"Are you sure you ready?" (To hit "Delete?" Yes, I sure.)

"What's your district?" (I'm not sure. What's your I.Q.?)

"Remember our conversation?" (Why sure I do. You were trying to sell me some piece of crap and I told you to get lost.)

"Whasup, pal? -- increase your tool performance....." (Nothin' much, buddy. And are you referring to my allen wrench or my circular saw?)

"Can't find your tape: sorry!" (Didn't send it. Sorry.)

"you are beautiful because we care" (And I'd be ugly-as-sin if you didn't?)

"Accidentally sent you money." (Accidentally spent it.)

"~NAME~Did You Get The Info I Sent Yesterday? - Hi ~NAME~, It's ~OWNERFIRSTNAME~here. Did you get...." (It's obvious you just bought your Spammer's Franchise, but let me give you a clue: where it says "name," you're supposed to put in someone's name--preferably the person to whom you're sending the spam. And where it says "ownerfirstname" you're supposed to put in your name or a pretend name! Stupidity only goes so far...even for you.)

"Where did you leave car?" (Left car in parking lot. Why you care?)

"Let's go fishing!" (Let's not. You go on without me. Take the cast-iron canoe.)

"You're killing me!" (No, but I won't say the idea hasn't occurred to me.)

"Duuuuude, I'm high!" (Duuuuude, I don't give a crap.)

"Instant e-lottery! Win a girl!" (Excuse me? Could I have a puppy instead?)

"Who am I?" (I don't know, and I truly, truly don't care.)

From Ruthie: "Hello--rancid spark petal dace! biffin planet....." (You pretty much summed it up with "rancid", Ruthie.)

"Give your husband that pilules and you'll be shocked with a passion he will show!" (Yessirree, that pilules does it every time. And you talk English real good!)

From Linda: "Vulcanizer for your hot-stick! Protrude deeper...." (Well, Linda, that was a beautiful mental picture you painted. And now that I have my projectile vomiting under control how, may I ask, does one "protrude deeper"?....On second thought, never mind.)

"And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat - He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's..." (Charming! Utterly charming! And Bullshit. Utter Bullshit.)

Sigh.

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. Your comments are always welcome. And you're invited to stop by my website at http://www.doriengrey.com, or drop me a note at doriengrey@att.net.