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If the title of this blog entry caused
a sharply in-drawn breath and a muttered "Sacrilege!"
you probably won't be reading
this. Too bad. It is not intended as disrespect to Whoever holds the
post now, but merely a few observations on how I might run things had
I the opportunity.
I got
to thinking about the prospect when I was looking, once again, with
dismay and anger at my Spam inbox and plotting what I would love to
do to those who prey upon the gullible. Gullibility, like so
many human traits, can be charming in moderation and dangerous in
excess. We all want things we do not and probably can never have. We
all want to feel that we are, somehow, wise and admired and somehow
special. And too often we are tricked by predators into assuming that
what we are told is the truth.
There is nothing more loathsome or
utterly beneath contempt than those who knowingly, deliberately, and
consistently take advantage of others. They are loathsome creatures
who exist only, and tragically, because we allow them to. Those who
do not want to bother with thinking for themselves willingly allow
others to think for them.
Were I God, I would of course be a
beneficent deity and resist the strong temptation to submerge these
sub-humans slowly in boiling oil. No, I'd simply have every one of
them, after a full and rewarding day of scheming, cheating, lying,
and debasing others, simply go peacefully to sleep and never wake up.
I would strictly enforce the Golden
Rule. I'm sure the current title holder is as utterly flummoxed as I
as to how people simply don't get it. It's the ultimate "What
part of 'no' don't you understand?"
Bigots would be forced to spend six
months as a member of the group against whom their hatred is
directed. If six months is not enough, the sentence would repeated
once more and then become permanent.
Everyone in possession of more than
$500,000 they did not earn through their own labor would be
temporarily stripped of all their possessions and forced to live on
the equivalent of the average social security check for the period of
one year. Depending on the circumstances, some would be denied even
that small financial assistance and be given a cardboard box and
pointed to the nearest freeway underpass.
I would rather strongly consider
reinstating the "an eye for an eye" principle of criminal
justice, except for sadomasochists.
Those who deny common courtesy to
others would be assigned a constant robot companion carrying a frying
pan. At every transgression of basic courtesy, the robot would tap
them on the head with the frying pan. The force of the tap would
increase with every violation until the offender either sees the
error of his/her ways, or is admitted to the emergency room. (Upon
release therefrom, the robot would again appear at their side.)
Those who discriminate against others
solely on the basis of looks or physical disability will, after each
transgression, be struck blind for a period of ten minutes for the
first event, and longer with each succeeding one.
Anyone who presumed to speak for me in
my role of God would be stricken mute. Anyone who sought personal
financial gain by invoking my name would be forced to return every
penny, stripped of all their remaining worldly goods and sent into
permanent exile in Somalia, Ethiopia, or Darfur.
And what of those many people who
already live by the Golden Rule, who are courteous and considerate of
others, and realize the world is far larger than themselves? Don't
they deserve some sot of reward? The fact is that they already have
it. They are already members of a very small and exclusive club: true
human beings, and the current supreme being is proud of them. As, if
I may be so bold, am I.
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