Speaking Spamese

Once an addict, always an addict. But I am doing quite well, thank you, and feel my addiction to internet spam is under control. I'm like an alcoholic in a fully-stocked bar and there is no way I can avoid being aware of being surrounded and constantly assaulted by temptation. But I find that shifting my focus helps. So, while I do steal an occasional glance at the opening words, I focus my fascination on what is actually being said.

According to the Linguistic Society of America, there are 6,800 languages spoken in the world. I am proud to claim the discovery of the 6801st: Spamese. This language is unique in that its most distinguishing characteristic...and an absolute necessity for speaking it...is that it makes no sense to anyone who speaks the other 6,800, and is totally devoid of either coherence or logic.

Remember, the purpose of the opening words of any message is to gain your confidence and get you to respond, and I am awed by their marvelosity--okay, so it's not a word; who cares? I beg you to read the following fine examples of fluent Spamese, exactly as I received them, slowly, and more than once, to savor the sheer beauty of thought and composition:

LET US WORK TOGETHER AS PARTNER--My names are Mr. Mike Olowo and a staff of Independent National Electoral Commission... 

Urgent Message From Madam Sara - From Mrs Sara Jacobs. Hello Dearest, With Due Respect and Humanity, I was compelled....

Hello My Good Friend, - Hello My Good Friend, Greeting from Hon. Martin Kume contacted you long ago, I'm happy to...

Barrister Pepe Gonzales -Your Utmost Attention and Sincerity is Required...

Ibrahim M. Koussa - Legal Notice - Good Day. Following the gazette by the World Bank Group to all financial institutions... 

J.W. - Vital Information for you - Looking through the attached message will be of a huge essence... 

Uk Lottery Organization - This message belongs to the owner of this email address...

FBI - $ This is or you who lost your money to scammers back, reply back for your money back...

International Police - FROM INTERPOL POLICE FORCE UNIT - Attn: you are welcome to desk of Chie Hon,Jeff Robert Carl,International Interopol....

INTERNATIONAL POLICE - from the international police authority United States section (IPA)... 

Mr. Kofi Annan - UNITED NATIONS COMPENSATION UNIT...

JP MORGAN CHASE BANK - This is to let you know that you are having us$5.5m, in my bank jp Morgan... 

Bank of America - Customer Service - For your security, we have temporarily prevented access to your account... (No matter that I don't have an account with Bank of America.)

Women's Professional Net - Congratulations you have been chosen for Registry of Distinguished Women -click here... (I do hope being a man will not stand in my way.)

And in the time it has taken to write this blog, another 13 messages have appeared in my spam folder. I guess it won't hurt to take a peek.

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to check out his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1 ).