Comparisons

My greatest problem, aired endlessly in these blogs, is that I simply do not understand other people, life in general, or my exact relationship to either--which of course implies that other people do. I have this clear mental image of a drawing of a gigantic, towering monolithic mass which is everyone else, with a tiny, tiny speck...me...about a mile from the base. Realizing that something is not true is quite different from accepting that it is not true. And perhaps the most fascinating thing of all is that it even would occur to us that it should be true.

All humans share the same DNA, yet each is a totally unique being, our emotional and mental makeup different from any other human's. In an attempt to make some sort of sense of it all, studies on those similarities shared by the largest number of people have been culled to come up with a very unreliable standard against we consciously or unconsciously compare ourselves. That we fail to match that standard...that no single human being matches or can possibly match it...means nothing. There is a standard, however unreal, and we do not match it. Period.

Other people are more talented than we, more physically attractive, richer, more intelligent, more socially adept, more well-traveled, kinder, more worthy of admiration and respect, more tolerant, more famous, etc. When making comparisons, we seldom consider that, conversely, infinite numbers of other people are less intelligent, less handsome, meaner, less tolerant, less fortunate. But the point is that no human being is or can possibly be all these things. Yet we tend to pick and choose, and the tendency is to overlook or disregard our gifts in favor of longing for the gifts of others.

But positive or negative, the fact is that comparisons help us define who we are.

We use comparisons to others as something of a GPS system to help us determine, in our own minds, just where we stand in relation to them. In this regard, comparisons are a device we humans unconsciously use to guide us through life and around obstacles--much as bats use sonar to avoid collisions with others. We use our comparisons to others as often to avoid as to strive to emulate.

Like everything else in life, comparisons to others can be healthy, in encouraging us to set goals and strive toward betterment as we see it, or they can be self defeating in the assumption of barriers which impede one's development. It's in recognizing and walking the fine line between realism and fantasy which makes the difference and largely dictates our individual success.

I'm not sure which is more difficult to deal with--self-deprecation, in which our comparison to others leads to the unrealistic denial of or refusal to acknowledge our own positive qualities (and at which I am a lifelong practitioner), or unrestrained egotism in which one assumes knowledge, traits, and qualities not evident to the degree claimed. Self-deprecation can be annoying; egotism insufferable. (In regard to my too-strong tendency to self-deprecation, I always remember what a college friend told another friend, "Roger keeps telling everyone how worthless he is until they begin to believe him.")

That humans operate largely on autopilot, unconsciously relying on built-in forms of mental and emotional sonar and radar is yet another of the infinite wonders of human existence. If we had to stop to think about every single thing we do and make individual decisions on whether or not to do it before we acted, we simply could not survive. Comparisons with others is just one of these often-unconscious tools in our vast mental toolbox. And as with all tools, its main purpose is to help us to build our future.

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to check out his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs My greatest problem, aired endlessly in these blogs, is that I simply do not understand other people, life in general, or my exact relationship to either--which of course implies that other people do. I have this clear mental image of a drawing of a gigantic, towering monolithic mass which is everyone else, with a tiny, tiny speck...me...about a mile from the base. Realizing that something is not true is quite different from accepting that it is not true. And perhaps the most fascinating thing of all is that it even would occur to us that it should be true.

All humans share the same DNA, yet each is a totally unique being, our emotional and mental makeup different from any other human's. In an attempt to make some sort of sense of it all, studies on those similarities shared by the largest number of people have been culled to come up with a very unreliable standard against we consciously or unconsciously compare ourselves. That we fail to match that standard...that no single human being matches or can possibly match it...means nothing. There is a standard, however unreal, and we do not match it. Period.

Other people are more talented than we, more physically attractive, richer, more intelligent, more socially adept, more well-traveled, kinder, more worthy of admiration and respect, more tolerant, more famous, etc. When making comparisons, we seldom consider that, conversely, infinite numbers of other people are less intelligent, less handsome, meaner, less tolerant, less fortunate. But the point is that no human being is or can possibly be all these things. Yet we tend to pick and choose, and the tendency is to overlook or disregard our gifts in favor of longing for the gifts of others.

But positive or negative, the fact is that comparisons help us define who we are.

We use comparisons to others as something of a GPS system to help us determine, in our own minds, just where we stand in relation to them. In this regard, comparisons are a device we humans unconsciously use to guide us through life and around obstacles--much as bats use sonar to avoid collisions with others. We use our comparisons to others as often to avoid as to strive to emulate.

Like everything else in life, comparisons to others can be healthy, in encouraging us to set goals and strive toward betterment as we see it, or they can be self defeating in the assumption of barriers which impede one's development. It's in recognizing and walking the fine line between realism and fantasy which makes the difference and largely dictates our individual success.

I'm not sure which is more difficult to deal with--self-deprecation, in which our comparison to others leads to the unrealistic denial of or refusal to acknowledge our own positive qualities (and at which I am a lifelong practitioner), or unrestrained egotism in which one assumes knowledge, traits, and qualities not evident to the degree claimed. Self-deprecation can be annoying; egotism insufferable. (In regard to my too-strong tendency to self-deprecation, I always remember what a college friend told another friend, "Roger keeps telling everyone how worthless he is until they begin to believe him.")

That humans operate largely on autopilot, unconsciously relying on built-in forms of mental and emotional sonar and radar is yet another of the infinite wonders of human existence. If we had to stop to think about every single thing we do and make individual decisions on whether or not to do it before we acted, we simply could not survive. Comparisons with others is just one of these often-unconscious tools in our vast mental toolbox. And as with all tools, its main purpose is to help us to build our future.

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to check out his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1 ).