Friday, January 06, 2012


Two months or so ago, I went cold turkey in an attempt to withdraw from my addiction to internet spam, which is, I can assure you, just as insidious as addiction to cocaine or heroin or alcohol. I did it by forcing myself, each morning, to go to my spam folder and, without allowing myself to look at a single message, to hit "Delete."

Sadly, as so often happens with addicts, I made the mistake, yesterday, of thinking that I had indeed overcome my addiction, and therefore could allow myself just a quick peek at the come-on opening sentences designed to lure into their web the addicted and those who should not be allowed to handle sharp objects. And then, having read the come-on, I could not resist looking at the entire message.

And looking at one led to looking at another, and another, and...

But the worst part of my addiction is not only that I am compelled to read this crap, but to mentally respond to it!

The following shining examples of the spammer's art are reprinted exactly as received, and my mental reactions as I read.

"MY HEART CHOOSEN TO BLESS YOU. - Dear Beloved, I am Mrs. Alisa Losif and i have been suffereing from ovarian cancer..." (And you, lady, are so far beneath contempt for exploiting a serious disease to scam money that you can't see the bottom by looking up.)

UNITED NATIONS "((($5,000USD ENCLOSED))) - How are you? We happily announce to you the draw of the United Nations programs held on...." (I am fine, thanks, and flattered that the United Nations would care enough to ask. I regret, however, that there was no $5,000 enclosed. How does one enclose $5,000 in an email, anyway? Please send via regular mail. I'll wait.)

Mr. ObdenValentine Ibru "I NEED YOUR TRUST TO EXECUTE THIS DEAL -Hi, Can you handle US $35M for an contract investment fund of Late Mr. Kir...." (Are you kidding? Of course I can! I'm always handling US$35M deals for complete strangers. Just tell me how much earnest money you need, and it'll be in the mail this afternoon!"

"I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY" (My reply may be urgent to you, but it certainly is not urgent to me. And have you ever heard of lower-case type?)

"Rock her hard on your first date - College girls desire me, cool dudes worship me, all thanks to my might rod." (Your "might" rod? I'm sure no matter how "might" it is, it can't match the size of your ego.)

"Change your life in 60 seconds. - She makes 9681. Scam or real? Find out here." (9681 what? A day? A week? A year? And "scam or real?", that's a tough one.)

LORI GONZALES - "Let's go!" (Dorien Grey - Let's not!)

"Shocking Investigation Report - Local Mom Quits Her Job She Hated...Click Here" (Stop the Presses! 'Shocking' isn't the word for it. Really, it isn't. Oh, whatever shall the poor lady do? Tell me, please!But let's wait until hell freezes over first.)

"Germany shows Portugal the strength in an extra inch - Make your lady cry out in joy every night." (Oh, for the love of God!!!)

"talk to girl - have a look..." (Me gay man! Me no want talk to girl! Me no want look.)

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to check out his website ( and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out
 Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs ( ).

1 comment:

Kage Alan said...

We've got to get you writing a stand-up column.