Monday, August 29, 2011

The Masochist

Why do I do it? I don't like pain. Really, I don't. So why do I subject myself to the agony of reading the opening words of the endless spam messages gushing like an overflowing sewer into my Spam box? Why can't I just hit "Delete All" and get on with my life? But I can't. It's like trying not to watch a train wreck. My eyes are drawn to the first words that accompany each message and I am swept away by the utter incomprehensibility of it all.

Humans tend to be fascinated by things they realize they could never understand if they lived ten thousand years. That realization can be painful, even agonizing for those who want so desperately to find some logic in the utterly illogical.

I've tried to resist posting another blog on the madness of internet spam, and the question of how anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances could possibly, possibly believe...let alone respond to...these idiocies. But my mental masochism compels me to continually pick at the scab, and I am powerless to stop.

Here, then, is another random sampling of messages found in my Spam "in" box, reprinted exactly as received, and my uncontrollable, knee-jerk reactions to them. If you'd like to stop reading here, I can certainly understand.

Mrs Annabel Laura - Quoting my reference number - Hello, My name is Mrs Annabel Laura am going on a cancer surgery my law...

Excuse me? Who's quoting what reference number? Referencing what? I've never heard of "going on a cancer surgery" that like a safari? A field trip? Why do I doubt to the bottom of my soul that you yourself have cancer? And why in the world would I want to contact your law(yer) other than to possibly file a harassment lawsuit against you?


"Human Right Commission"? Which Right is that? "Artorney General"? Dear Lord!!!

Barrister Rasheed Suleim - Reply Back....-Attention, My name is Barrister Rasheed Suleiman (Esq.) a personal attorney to my late client ...

"Reply back"? As opposed to "Reply forward"? And I should respond to a post from somebody who can't even decide how to spell his own name?

Mrs Lowe Michelle - DONATION FOR THE LORD - DONATION FOR THE LORD from Mrs.Lowe Michelle Please get back to me in this email ad....

Sure, Mrs Michelle...I'll get back to you about three days after Hell freezes over. In the meantime, I rather wish I believed in Hell; I'm sure there would be a very special place for you there.

Mr.Haenssgen Horst Dieter - Re: Your Payment Via Consignment To Your Doorstep. -From Haenssgen Horst Dieter Foreign Operations Manager Ove.....

"Your Payment Via Consignment To Your Doorstep"? What in the HELL is that supposed to mean? What species do you belong to?

Hoping I might find a word to sum up internet spam, I went to my Thesaurus to start with the first word I could think of: "Despicable." I found...

Despicable (adjective): contemptible, loathsome, hateful, detestable, reprehensible, abhorrent, abominable, awful, heinous; odious, vile, low, mean, abject, shameful, ignominious, shabby, ignoble, disreputable, discreditable, unworthy; informal dirty, rotten, lowdown, lousy; beastly;

Unfortunately none of these comes close to the definition of "Spam" or those who perpetuate it.

Oh, the hell with it: Masochism can only go so far. Where's that "Delete" key?

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back. And please take a moment to check out for information on Dorien's  Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs.

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