Wednesday, March 09, 2011

"One Man's Art...."

A few years back an artist created a major scandal by making a collage of the Virgin Mary out of elephant droppings. I consider internet spam to be closely related to this form of art, and if one squints very hard while holding one's nose, one can see a certain indescribable fascination in both.

I hate internet spam. Loathe it. Despise it. Detest it. Abhor it. And yet here I am once again calling your attention to some of the more fascinatingly egregious examples of the written branch of the elephant-dropping school of art. As usual, the exactly-as-received opening words of the never-opened spam message are followed by my knee-jerk reactions in parentheses.

"I NEED YOUR REPLY IMMEDIATELY" (Well, what you need and what you're going to get are two very different things.)

"Reply:Regards, - hey, how are you? Just received my iphone 3gs 32gb from this website...." (I'm fine, thanks. And you're emailing me because...?)

"For your attention. My name is Chan from China. I was formerly employed as an investment banker...." ("There was a man named Chan from China...." Sounds like the start of a great limerick.)

"Enlargement supplement! Tim Russert's sex scandal exposed at funeral - See Batdude and Throbin get it on as they fight crime and sex together...." (What? How many of these Porta-Potti scrapings are you going to try to cram into this thing?)

"Hot latinas banged by Germans - Grow a big package today...." (Oh, those fun-loving Nazis! They've invaded Spain, I take it? But I'm afraid I didn't quite catch what any of that has to do with growing anything.)

"This award winning penis enhancement pill is safe, effective, permanent." (You're kidding! They give out awards for penis enhancement pills? Where do they hold the ceremony? Are tickets available?)

"Have the pecker of her dreams...." (Ah, the beauty of the English language, the grace, the subtle shadings and nuances....)

"did you get my last email?? - Good day dear friend, I am the Head of Operations in Mevas Bank, Hong Kong...." (Uh, no, I didn't get your last email, probably because you never sent one. But I see that Google has no fewer than 10 Fraud Alerts on you dating back to 2008, dear friend.)

"Please read carefully and reply back." (As opposed to replying forward?)

"Dead bank client with no next kin & no will had $13.8m in my branch. I can name you as next..." (Why sure you can! Bank employees do it all the time. "Hey, I found $13.8 behind my cash drawer. I'll just write some total stranger and offer it to them." Uh-huh.)

Rose Jenkins "I am Mrs Eli.E.Frank, I have a very important massage for you - Reply Back For More Details" (Jeezus, lady!! Just how stupid can you be? Can't you even get your own name right? Rose Jenkins or Mrs Eli.E.Frank? Not that I give a crap either way.)

"Get a Genuine University Degree in only 2 weeks! recommends this site." (Oh, yes...the world famous Genuine University, which issues degrees written with Crayolas on recycled toilet paper.)"

But enough for now. I know you want more, but you're just going to have to wait (but not long, I fear).

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. In the meantime, you're invited to visit my recently-revised website at, or drop me a note at I'd love to hear from you.

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