Spam Addicts Unite!

I'm forming a group--Spam Addicts Anonymous--for those like me who are powerless to resist going through their spam folders quickly scanning just the first few words of each message, looking for that rush of utter incomprehension or outrage. I've tried to resist. Really, I have, but I can't do it. If you have the same tragic problem, perhaps we could hire a meeting room somewhere. I'll bring the bread and mayonnaise.

But anyway, here we are again. If you're really sick of reading these things, as I should be, it's okay to skip them. I'll be posting another blog Monday and I promise I won't even use the word "Sp.." Each entry below is exactly as received. (Oh, Lord, I do need help!)

Claudia Medrano "hi - hi, how are you" (Why, I'm just fine, Claudia! Thanks for asking. Just sitting here practicing my capital letters and punctuation. You should try them sometime. Oh, and who the hell are you, anyway? ...Never mind, I don't want to know.)

"Don't miss your piece of the $20 billion oil spill compensation." (Wow, that's great! I live in an apartment building in Chicago, so please sign me up for my piece immediately. And congratulations on bringing the fine art of ambulance chasing to a new, all-time low.)

Aliza Kimber - "Tired of wasting uncountable $ to grow yourPenis but result not what you expect? our ma....." (Oh, yes, Aliza! Yes! I've spent uncountable $ to grow myPenis. It's so good to know that if I spend even more on your wonderful product, my dreams will at last be realized!)

"Get On Down To Bone Town - Want to party with hot chicks and get laid in a video game? Play BoneTown, the video game..." (What a great-sounding game! Fun for the whole family! And there's nothing I want more than to party with hot chicks and get laid in a video game, other than, perhaps, removing my fingernails with a pair of pliers.)

"Does my story sound to familar?" (Well, I have no intention of reading it, but I'd say "Definitely" would be a good guess.)

"FW: finish - starting_[[=%{%$.,your]{%~@$%own@,$;.{;$_=business~..$%..." (Well, jeez, if it's going to be that complicated, I think I'll just pass.)

Zuzarte, Zena "24-07-2010 Hello, my name is Peter Chen Wong from Hong Kong and I have a business that I want to..." (No, your name is not Peter Chen Wong. You just said your name is Zena Zuzarte. I often wonder how incredibly stupid can one person be, and appreciate your supplying the answer.)

Marvalous Kipkalya "HI, DEAREST I CRIED FOR YOU" (Thanks, "Marvalous", but after seeing this piece of crap in my Spam folder, I cried for myself.)

"russian woman date -108188AAD711 Do you want me again? "I love you madly I want! http://www.bloody-bastards..." (I think the "bloody-bastards fairly well says it all.)

"3 reasons - NOT MADE IN CHINA! Renown Duplicates does not manufacture or sell any replications from China...." (No, I understand you have a state of the art manufacturing facility in the back of a one-car garage somewhere outside of Tiajuana.)

"View Your Credit Score Now - This message contains information about: View Your Credit Score Now." (I hate to admit it, but this one is brilliant. Note...it doesn't say you can actually see your credit score: it says you can go to a site called "View Your Credit Score Now," where you will undoubtedly learn how, for a mere $675...)

"!!! Cheap Vigara, Cilias, Levtira..." (Hey, you gotta give 'em credit for truth in advertising. They didn't say they were selling Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra, and they start off with the operative word, "Cheap", and I don't think they mean "inexpensive.")

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. Your comments are always welcome. And you're invited to stop by my website at http://www.doriengrey.com, or drop me a note at doriengrey@att.net.