Charlie Brown

I've always identified with Charles Schultz's Charlie Brown, though I never pined after a little red-headed girl--or any girl for that matter. My life has been full of both human and corporate Lucy van Pelts, however, each one of whom I trusted, and each one of whom took/takes perverse glee in frustrating the crap out of me at every turn.

I recently moved directly across the hall from Apartment #906 to Apartment #907, which nonetheless requires a full change of address routine. So I went on line to the U.S. Postal Service (ah, the irony of that last word) to use their simple-as-pi, so-easy-a-caveman-can-do-it instructions. And simple they are.

Question: "Start date of change." I type in "04/03/10" and move on, filled with pride at the keenness of my comprehension.

Question: "Date of Birth' (small arrows to the right of small rectangular boxes marked "Month," "Date," "Year.") I click on the little arrow beside the "Month" box and scroll down to November. I click again, and "11" appears in the Month box. I go to "Date," click on the little arrow, and scroll down to 14, click again. "14 appears" in the date box. I am giddy with delight! I move to "Year", scroll down--way, waaaay down--to 1933, click. "1933" appears in the "Year" box.

I move on, and suddenly, two or three questions later a box pops up on the screen saying "The date format should be: mm/dd/yyyy." Excuse me? That was two or three questions ago, and that's exactly what I did. Also, it's the only question involving dates, so it has to be referring to that. But I go back and repeat the steps quoted in the paragraph above. Exactly the same results. I mean, all I have to do is scroll and click, and I sure as hell should know my own birthday by this time.

I move on to where I left off. Before I can even read it, another pop-up box appears saying "Provide start date of change." I did provide the start date of change: 04/13/10. I go back to check and see they wanted "mm/dd/yyyy," and I'd only provided "yy." Okay, I'll give 'em that. I change it to 04/03/10.

Back yet again to where I'd left off. A box pops onto the screen saying: "The date format should be : mm/dd/yyyy." That's what I just put in, you scum-sucking idiots! Can't you f***ing READ?

I go back yet again to the very beginning. Birthday is shown as 11/14/1933, exactly what they say they want. I check the start day of service: 04/03/2010, exactly what they say they want. I go back to resume the questionnaire, shoulders hunched, eyes slitted, glancing defensively over my shoulder lest the USPS is sneaking up on me from behind with a sharpened letter-opener.

Everything appears to be perfect. It's exactly, exactly, what they said they wanted. I move to the next question. A pop-up window appears on my screen. "The date format should be: mm/dd/yyyy" and is immediately overlaid with another pop up window saying, "Provide start date of change."

I grasp my right wrist firmly with my left hand and force my right index finger to the little red "Cancel" circle at the top left of the screen. The entire page disappears, hopefully forever.

But like Charlie Brown, I know I can't resist Lucy's promises that this time she'll hold the football in place and not yank it away at the last second. So I will go back to the U.S. Postal Service Convenient Change of Address On-Line Form tomorrow, knowing full well that it will not matter. That I can do nothing until I put in mm/dd/yyyy and tell them the start date.

Bureaucracy holds the football, and don't you ever forget it.

Now, would anyone who feels I am not amply justified in feeling more than a little paranoid please raise their hands?....No one? I thought not.

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