Spam and Other Disasters

[Note: This was written prior to the Washington, D.C. train crash, so the train wreck references are coincidental, and no insensitivity is intended.]

Ok, I have to admit it. I have recently come to regard the Spam invading my computer's In Box and my privacy like a derailed locomotive crashing through my living room wall. I view it with the same horrified fascination with which I might watch a train wreck...I'm revolted, but can't seem to look away.

And though I have yet to open a single spam message and cannot conceive that I ever would or will, I simply cannot resist glancing over the chaotic jumble of overturned logic, leaking toxic gibberish, smashed grammar, and unconscionable blatant lies strewn about in the form of an opening phrase intended to lure the unwary into the hell which lies beyond. Yet even though I never look further than the lead-in, I cannot resist reacting to them. I've posted a couple of blogs' worth of examples of the more egregious examples of the depths to which spammers will sink to get your attention. Here are a few more examples presented exactly as they were received, and my knee-jerk reactions.

"He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell" (I admit I found this cute as all hell, but not cute enough to open it.)

"Your illegal activity." (That's it? My illegal activity? My illegal activity what? Ooooooh, dear! I've been found out! Can I write you a check to make it go away? Please?)

"Missed my message?" (No, I didn't miss your message. I didn't see it, but I certainly didn't miss it.)

"Deeper in her entrails. What your score...." (What a lovely, lovely mental picture!)

"Waiting for reply." (I love an optimist. Keep waiting.)

"Wipe off the borders between what you do in bed and what you can do." (What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

"Excuse me for sending it." (Only if you promise never to send me anything, ever again.)

"Best girl-digging skills--Clear your skin with supreme Clearitol treatment...." (Not sure what digging for girls, which I assume is something like digging for clams, has to do with clearing my skin, but....Maybe it's the healthy ocean air.)

"Easily BUY (low fee) yourself a Degree, Bachel0rs, MBA, Masters, or Ph.D. No STUDY!" (Right, on, man! Why bother to actually learn anything or read those dull books or go to crappy classes when you can plunk out $250 for a worthless piece of paper?)

Michael Torrez--"Good Day, I am Mr. Vincent Cheng Hoi Chuen, GBS, JP Chairman of the Hong Kong and Shanghai...." (No, you are some creep named Michael Torrez, and you should be ashamed of yourself.)

"Have your own decent hair effectively grown.--Best price." (My own decent hair is effectively grown without having to pay for it, thank you. It's the getting it cut that costs money.)

"Let Accai Berry imporve your health!" (Yeah, like I'm going put my health in the hands of some idiot who can't spell 'improve'?)

"Get yourself a no charge cellular phone..." (Does anyone other than me see the catch words here? "Hey, don't complain to us! We warned you about the batteries!")

And the Spam Overdose of the Month Award goes to the no fewer than 35 slices of spam received within the space of two days with variations on: "Hello. It has come to or attention that you are in dire need of financial aid." (Well, as a matter of fact, I could use a few extra dollars, but something tells me that borrowing it from you isn't the way to go.)

No hurry to clear the tracks: there'll be another train coming along any minute now.

New entries are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back...and bring a friend. And you're invited to stop by my website at http://www.doriengrey.com, or drop me a note at doriengrey@att.net