A Can o' Spam

I'm so fond of those vitally important messages that flood everyone's computer "In" boxes that I've begun something of a collection of my favorites. Since I never open the actual messages, all I have to go by are the few words that accompany them. I note they fall into categories, and I present some of them here, exactly as I received them, and with my immediate reactions:

Category 1: I wouldn't touch these with a ten-foot pole

"Want your babe to moan loud?" ("Babe"? Didn't "babe" go out with "groovy"? I think the word "chick" is a lot cooler, man! Shows you're really with it and hip. And the answer is still "No!")

"Wanna meet?" (Uh, thank you, but I'll pass.)

"Become superman...return life to your rod!" (What do you mean, "return"?)

Category 2: The Carrot and the Stick

"create yourDestiny and obtain twenty grand. --folks all around the nation are rushing to join us, working for 1 just hour and......" (Oh, yeah, I can look out my window and see folks around the nation rushing to join whatever in hell it is you're peddling.)

"Crime Scene Investigators Wanted" (By whom? For what?)

Category 3: Nice try...you almost had me

"Everything's cancelled today." (Now that one I liked. I didn't open it, but I liked it)

Category 4: Riiiight

"Transform yourLife by obtaining 10000 without anyStrings attached. Right from the Gov, gain stupendous...." (10000 what? "The Gov"? The governor?)

"Re: Half-priced Houses: 3-4-5 Bedroom-Forclosures from 128/month" (Care to pick out the operative word in that sentence?)

Category 5: Long-lost pals

"Saying hi, Chrissy from myspace :)--hi there its been like a month or something since we last chatted and I was...." (Uh, try more like forever, Chrissy, and no, I would not like to buy your nude photos.)

Category 6: New words

"Do it now. Taking these blue pilules is like drinking from an infinite spring of endurance and desire...." (A "pilule"? What the hell is a "pilule"?)

Category 7: Irresistible Intrigue

"Hey! mgrprm zspu 2 piekvnr; cpiqcej! ewbxk....." (Well, that's a real inducement to open the thing.)

Category 8: The fine art of subtlety

"good stuff--for your meat muscle" (What a charming euphemism!)

"Do it now. --Be her mighty night predator" (Her? Oh, Charlie, are you barking up the wrong tree!)

*****

I'm saving all of the above to open and carefully peruse shortly after hell freezes over.

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