Friday, August 15, 2008


There are times when I quite seriously fear for my sanity and question whether, in fact, these blogs may be little more than a chronicling of my descent into madness. And immediately, upon having typed that sentence, my guardian angel (or, more precisely, because I am Agnostic, my mental better half Dorien) reminded me of my penchant for melodrama. However.....

Because I am less and less willing to put up with trying to eat foods that require a lot of saliva to chew and process, I’ve increasingly turned to high-calorie liquid food supplements of the Boost/Ensure variety. At 350 calories a can, I can get most of my nutritional needs that way and save myself one heck of a lot of hassle.

I buy Walgreens’ generic version, which costs considerably less than Boost or Ensure, and it comes in three flavors: Chocolate, Strawberry and so-called Vanilla. I prefer the Vanilla, to which I add yogurt (sometimes Kefir, which is a very odd foodstuff vaguely related to yogurt) or fresh fruit and a quarter to half cup of ½ and ½, and put it in the blender. (Digression, anyone?)

For the past week, all three of my nearest Walgreens have been out of the Vanilla, so the other day, while in the Loop, I found a Walgreens that had it. I bought two six-packs for $12.00, and brought them home. Because I was taking my car to the supermarket before returning to my apartment, I put my Walgreens purchase in my trunk with several other plastic bags filled with things I’d put in earlier, intending to give to a food bank supporting AIDS patients. Their hours are sporadic, however, and often when I go, I find them closed.

I finished my grocery shopping and noticed on the way out that the store had a large bin for accepting food donations for another charity. I figured as long as I was there, I’d give them what I had in my trunk, which I did.

It was not until I got home and looked for the Whatever that I realized I did not have it. And I did not have it because I had put it in the food donation bin with the other items. How could I have been so astoundingly stupid? Easily, obviously. Why am I totally incapable of thinking before I act?

Were this an isolated incident, it might be overlooked, or chalked up to experience. But I do not learn from experience. I am capable of an infinite variety of stupidity. I do not think. Ever. Oh, I think ten seconds after I’ve done some dumbfoundingly idiotic thing and feel totally like a fool. You would think…I would think…that after doing excruciatingly embarrassing things time after time after time without thinking first that I would learn. We would both be wrong.

Yesterday I lost my cell phone…not easy to do in a tiny, tiny apartment, but I managed. I spent an hour searching for it and finally e-mailed my friend Gary to ask him to call me and let the phone ring until I found it. He did, and I did.

It was in the linen closet.

To the best of my recollection (sic) I had not been near the linen closet in days. It is to weep.

There is that wonderful old saying: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and prove it.” But I insist upon not only doing such humiliating things, but compounding them by detailing them in this blog for all the world (oh, I wish!) to see.

I am hopeless, yet even in my hopelessness my ego shows through and the paraphrased words of Percy Bysshe Shelley shimmer through the darkness: “‘My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!” And round that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away.’”

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